My Dreams Have Changed: Does That Mean I’ve Failed Myself?
While I was home for Christmas last week, I helped my parents go through some old memorabilia in the attic. Old dolls, CDs, journals, and photos brought back a stream of memories of what almost felt like a past life. I found myself wondering if my younger self had a crystal ball and could see my life now, 20 years later, would I even recognize myself?
Growing up I was always one of those people who knew how my life was going to go. And everyone else seemed to agree. I was going to be a performer on Broadway, a film star, and a successful singer/songwriter. I was reading yearbooks from middle school and old teachers had even written things like, “I know one day I’ll see you on the big screen or hear you on the radio.”
In high school, when most teenagers are looking into degrees like business or communications, I was traveling around the country auditioning for musical theatre programs. I’ll never forget a girlfriend squeezing me tight and whispering in my ear, “You were meant for this,” after I had been accepted to my dream musical theatre program.
Those words were a sense of pride to me and I believed it, too. Now, those same words that once gave me pride, brought with them feelings of deep sorrow and confusion. Have I failed myself? I thought as I sipped on coffee and flipped through old memories. I’m definitely not on Broadway, never been anything more than an extra on television, and have never been on the radio. (Well, actually I did have a radio station in Kenya play my single Overwhelmed once last year).
Here’s the reality though: our dreams are not a guarantee. In America, children are continually told to follow their hearts and chase their dreams — to the point of being selfish. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently wrong with dreaming, but at the end of the day, bills and life are very real things and dreams oftentimes don’t pay very well.
I’ve had the unique gift and blessing of having a few friends who have “made it.” I know people who have starred on Broadway (even the most coveted role of Hamilton in Hamilton). I have friends who have toured with Chase Rice, who know The Jonas Brothers’ personally, who have been a lead character on a successful television show, and had note-worthy film roles.
I’ve also seen these friends go through restaurant gigs and babysitting when their show has closed. I’ve seen them struggle for rent on occasion and the truth is that I just don’t love performing enough to make those sacrifices.
Last year, I was sitting with my mentor at the Nashville Songwriters’ Association International and was filling her in on my recent trip to Bali and engagement with my now-husband. I told her that I had two dreams: to be a singer and go on tour and to be a wife and mother. She was very honest with me and said that, while it’s not impossible to do both, there are many sacrifices on both sides. If there was one dream that I wanted more, I should pursue that instead.
As hot tears streamed down my face, I felt almost ashamed and barely managed to whisper, “I think my dream of being a wife and mother will always trump my dream of doing music professionally.”
Then she said something powerful to me that I’ll never forget. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Then do it.”
In those three words, she gave me permission to have both a dream and a favorite past-time. I felt like I had been set free.
My husband and I recently watched the new Pixar movie Soul. In that film, there is a glimpse into the making of a personality and there is something called a “spark.” Without giving away too much, the main character thinks that his spark is his purpose. But it’s not.
A spark is something that brings us joy throughout our days here on earth. However, oftentimes when that spark becomes our purpose, it loses its spark.
God gives each of us a unique passion, but we all have the same purpose. Our purpose, as Christians, is to live our lives to His ultimate glory. In her new book, You’re Not Enough (And That’s Okay), Allie Beth Stuckey says the below.
Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for man.” We don’t have to have the perfect job to glorify God with our work. The work that honors him only has to meet three qualifications: it’s done well, it meets a real need, and it contributes to the good of those around us.
This means that whether you’re a CPA, a botanist, a janitor, a secretary, or a graphic designer, your work can matter and bring glory to God. Glorifying work doesn’t have to earn a paycheck either. Stay-at-home moms, caretakers, and volunteer workers can still fulfill the qualifications for God-honoring work by working diligently to help those around them.”
Within our purpose, God can use our passions to His glory. I have a passion for singing and writing music. I can do that however I please. I can write worship music in my bedroom, makeup children’s songs to use in Sunday school, and even sing at an occasional open-mic. I don’t have to be famous to live out my love for music.
A little over a year ago I made a decision to work full-time in Human Resources, pay off my debt, and work on saving money with my husband for our future home and children. That is one of my proudest achievements — even though my 7-year-old self (or even 18-year-old self for that matter) might not have understood it.
With Broadway shutting down in 2020 and likely not coming back in 2021, I’ve seen many of my performer friends find other opportunities for making money while still making goofy Tik-Tok’s to show off their creative side. There is freedom found in responsibility and realistic dreaming.
No matter how talented you are, no one is guaranteed fame or wealth. However, God calls each of us to bring Him glory in our work — no matter what that work is. That is where we find fulfillment and if we are working to honor Him, we have not failed.
